Kujua Mb1nu Za Kumf1k1sha K1lelen1 Mwanamke Kwa Haraka: BONYEZA HAPA CHNI
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She will wear a broken skirt suit before she discovers Toi market and Gikomba Photo:
Life in Nairobi is fast and furious. Life in the village dull and dreary. And it’s the dream of every shagz-modo to come to Nairobi, at least once in their life time. They come hoping to dust up their rural lives, accents and dreams. Add fashion too and finding love to spice their lives.
Shortly, the urge to have approving friends and a yearning to feel valuable drives them to act crazy as girls from ‘Diaspora’ gradually become more wajuaji than born taos.
But hey! you can still easily pick out a woman who landed in the city from Kanyam-Kago, Mutomo or Muchatha!
1. From ‘Rubber mshenzi’ shoes to Pencil skirts
When Wambui lands from gichagi in her grey (formerly black) rubber shoes and pleated skirt, nobody imagines that she can transform into a socialite.
This extreme make-over mostly happens within a year. They learn from observation or watching fashion series on TV. She will first get mocked for her epic fail in mix and match wear, since she can’t pull off colour blocking.
Then she will wear a broken skirt suit before she discovers Toi market and Gikomba, where she can shop for mtumba high heels and pencil skirts.
Daniel Mugambi, a former bar manager turned taxi guy, lost his high school girlfriend a year after she joined him in Nairobi.
2. Burning house with gas cooker
Nafula in ‘Ingo’ is not the same girl in Nairobi. In ushago she could run after chicken, trap it under a metallic basin before snapping the poor bird’s neck with her bare hands for supper. But in Nairobi, she perches on a tall stool and chews on some chips and GMO chicken at a dingy hotel in downtown Nairobi, before she finally upgrades to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Using the gas cooker is also a problem as it requires the help of a neighbour to light it or else, you might find the fire brigade running out of water outside your gate. She can’t use cutlery, yet she claims that’s how they eat back home.
3. Carrying hanky to a date
The ideal village date is by the riverside or at a maize plantation where Mongina will spend half of her time doodling with her big toe and avoiding eye contact with Mogaka. When she lands in the city, she realises that her friends are dating ‘better’ men who drive and buy them anything they demand.
So, she settles for a boy who can afford chips and sausage along Moi Avenue. On her first date, which is most probably during the day, she will show up in some shiny tight dress top with spandex and oversize mtumba high heels she probably borrowed from her friend.
Another sign that gives her away is laughing sheepishly to a man’s jokes as she toys with the white handkerchief she has substituted for a clutch bag.
4. Singing wrong words off key
Mwende’s ideal night out when she is in her village in Mutomo, Kitui, is dancing wathi at her cousin’s wedding. When she lands in Nairobi, she attends a few gigs in Mlolongo where Kativui or Ken wa Maria are performing.
She will soon be introduced by her collegemates from Kiima Kiu to a club in downtown where she will attend all jam sessions before she starts dating five men at a time. Unfortunately, she is so used to singing along to music while dancing and you can only pray that the speakers are not turned off, otherwise everyone will hear her singing the wrong words off key.
If she is fortunate enough, she will land a loaded man who will introduce her to five-star hotels where she will always go even if he dumps her. She is not willing to go back to living within her means. You wonder why people end up peeling potatoes in five star hotels?
5. ‘Kushema shema’
By the time Nkirote leaves Kutus, she will not only have an ‘R’ and ‘L’ problem, but her accent will be something between the whistling trees and an Indian folk song. Everyone teases her from the day she lands in Nairobi.
But she is a fast learner and within one week, she would have picked new words from her neighbours in Roysambu. She soon becomes self-entitled and thinks she invented Sheng. She will of course embarrass herself by using the wrong words in the process of kushema shema in her ‘shrubbing.’ Dare you correct her and she will hurl insults at you that can even leave Satan with a blush.
6. Let's talk about Sex in church
Cheptoo was a conservative AIC follower in Kaptoror. She went to church every day until she landed in Nairobi. She will soon get bored when she realises that her agemates are having more fun in a church that allows them to talk about sex, brag about cars. There, she will soon become an usher and start dressing in skinny jeans and six-inch heels which are a far off in comparison to her village Sunday best. Cheptoo will try and shove it into anyone she meets, demanding that they should meet her pastor. She will occasionally brag how only rich people go to the so-called worship centre. She is so naive that she can’t even tell that her pastor, whom she constantly loves to call ‘Daddy,’ is lusting for her
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